Worrywart Calm in the Face of a Missing Laptop
Why do religious people worry? All they have to do is pray. Whenever I’m worried, I have to pay. My therapist is my Lord. The missing laptop was not . . .
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CASEY
Worried About Too Many Advisors
What am I to do about too many advisors? I began preparing for the 2-minute pitch of my memoir 60 days in advance, an average of 1 day for every 3 seconds.
Cute Guy in Van: A Washington Story
A Washington Story: What if he’s a terrorist? He’ll know where I live. Better to remain inconspicuous.
Confessions of a Worrywart: Husbands, Lovers, Mothers, and Others
“Susan Orlins is America’s funniest neurotic since Woody Allen. Just be careful you don’t crack a rib reading her memoir, Confessions of a Worrywart.”
Dog Shaming
I got into our new box of SOS and shredded the pads and discovered how good the soap tasted. When Mommy came in and shrieked and I ran away. She scolded me. I pretended to be ashamed.
WORRIED ABOUT AWESOME
Do all my awesomes sound like I’m trying to seem young and cool—the language equivalent of someone my age wearing short, short skirts and skimpy tank tops?
Blogging Life: Worried About Long, Trying Short
When the car’s gas tank gets down to a quarter full, I begin to worry that if there is a terrorist attack, I won’t get very far in my car, so I then make haste to a gas station.
Tip Day: Shredding Tip
I don’t own a shredder, so I needed to come up with a shredding tip, a homemade way to keep someone from going into my trash and stealing my identity.
What Does Heaven Look Like and How Will I Find My Peeps?
If there’s a heaven,
Will they offer me a key,
Given how mean I was to Barbara Satinsky?
Will Barbara Satinsky forgive and invite me to tea?
Sandusky and A Primer on Jewish Names
We already have Madoff, as well as Gingrich’s billionaire SuperPacSuperMacher Sheldon Adelson, so I’m glad that, even though Sandusky sounds like a Jewish name, he is not one of ours. Sandusky’s name is misleading, because the “sky” at the end could be construed as belonging to our tribe. But is …
Powerless
I’m sitting at the breakfast table in my bra and panties, sipping melted ice water through a straw, pretending it’s iced tea. Casey, sprawled beside me, looks barely alive.
10 Tips for Getting Rid of Telemarketers: Confessions of a Telemarketer
Confession: I was a telemarketer. In 1976—when I became a stockbroker at Merrill Lynch—I had never heard the word telemarketing; we called it cold calling.
Cognitive Therapy: Lessons Learned
At Alcatraz, a former prisoner spoke. He said those who obsessed about getting out “didn’t make it.” Cognitive Therapy would have helped.
Getting Things Done
After the sun slides behind the ash trees in my backyard, my heart thumps with anticipation. It’s finally time for GETTING THINGS DONE.
PITCHAPALOOZA!
When your daughter is in Colombia and hasn’t tweeted all day, is it every mother’s tweetmare that her kid is locked in the trunk of a sedan?
TIPS DAY: MOMENT OF WORRY
Recently I wrote a piece called Easy Meditation, in which I shared a method I heard about on NPR. On that NPR segment, the author talked about allowing thoughts to pass through your mind like clouds.
A BOY CALLED SCARLET?
Casey is healthy, spunky and—at 13 1/2—still learning new tricks, like wagging his tail. Yet today I awoke vocalizing a name for my next dog.
SMILING STRANGERS
When I, always the initiator, smile at a stranger and the stranger smiles back, it puts a musical note in my step. Or in my pedal, as was the case on Christmas Eve day. I was on a long bike ride from New Jersey to Staten Island and, when a driver …
CATCHING MYSELF IN A DAILY THOUGHT: WHICH UNDERWEAR TO WEAR
In my post My Year of Blogging, I noted that writing personal essays involves catching yourself in the act of thinking and then exposing and exploring it on the page. Here’s something I do every single day, and it was not until this morning that I caught it in my …
IN SEARCH OF JOLLY GEORGE: OUR FAMILY GLOSSARY
If our family were contestants on a TV know-your-family game show, and the emcee were to ask, “Who is least likely to be a pest?” we would all shout “Emy!” The rest of us can be annoying, not least of all yours truly, but never Emy. When my three daughters were …
HOARDING WATER LIKE CHICKEN SOUP
While shops experience brisker business on weekends, blog traffic slows, at least mine does. So I’m posting this shortie today, hoping for weekend visitors. What I’m about to write is one of those things I wouldn’t give a second thought to, were I not examining myself all the time for …
OCCUPYDC PHOTO STORY, PART 2, & A SALADE NICOISE RECIPE
OccupyDC provides photo ops. Here are a few and, at the end, a link to my salade nicoise recipes. There’s a tie-in, sort of. Check out my quick, easy, delicious, low-cal Salade Nicoise Recipe with Countless Variations. What has struck you about the protests sites, either if you have seen them …
THE NAME GAME: HOW DO I SIGN AN EMAIL? SUSAN? SUSIE? SOOZE? SUE? S? s?
Public Service Announcement: Help my article “Dear Customer Service: Thoughts While on Hold” go viral, so companies get the message! Please tweet, comment on it, share! Up until I first got my period, I was Susie. In high school, I was Sue. After reinventing myself in college, I became Susan. …
HELP! I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP!
“Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” I’ve been thinking I should get a medical alarm button to wear like the one advertised in the campy Life Alert “Help! I’ve fallen!” commercial. My mom wore one until she died at age 92. Otherwise, how would I contact someone if I were …
GETTING TREED: WHEN THE TREE FELL ON OUR HOUSE, PART I
At first it all seemed like a big adventure: stepping into Hurricane Isabel at one am with two pajama-clad teenage daughters and one dog in tow, basking in mini-celebrity the following morning when neighbors gathered in small clusters to gasp at the damage, and moving in with my ex, which surely …
MY DEAR DEER UPDATE WITH DEER TIPS
The fawns scamper across my backyard like teenagers off to a pep rally. Despite a few scares–days when I didn’t see the emaciated-looking mom in my yard–Mama deer has been here too. But I’m still concerned about her. After I wrote “Oh Dear, My Deer” about how worried I was for …
OH DEAR, MY DEER
A year ago, I woke up and peered into my backyard and saw a mother deer and what appeared to be her two newborns clustered behind my azalea bushes. The young ones were trying to stand but then they would collapse, their spindly legs unable to support them. By afternoon, …
CONVERSATIONS WITH MY DOG CASEY
Rather than calling them conversations with my dog, I might more accurately label them monoversations or nonversations. Sometimes they include laying out my plans for the upcoming hour as in “Come to the office, Boo Boo; Mommy’s gonna work.” Upon hearing me say, Boo Boo or any of my names …
WHAT IF I MEET A GUY I LIKE?
Sometimes I walk down the street and look around to see if there is a guy I’d like to have as a livealong and I almost never see one who sings to me. I like that my life offers freedom to do exactly as I please, whenever I please, get up when …
PASSOVER IN BEIJING
An eclectic group, this year’s seder in my daughter’s Beijing apartment included non-Jewish participants from Ireland, Argentina, England and Massachusetts as well as my Chinese-American Jewish daughter, her father (my ex, also Jewish) and me. What at home would have cost $50 for fruits and vegetables, cost less than $5 …